Hello, hello my name is Khu. I am a bit awkward, geeky , passionate , caring ,creative, my jokes are unfunny but I still like to make them and everything I do, I do it with all my heart.I love life and find happiness in small things.
Today makes 2 days that dad is gone… and at the same have my finals exams before graduating. The amount of support I have received from my family and university friends is incredible. They are all here and they they won’t let me down.There is a certain dullness around me but I am not broken. Their support gives me strength to go keep going. Everyone at home is broken, but I can’t. I am the only one showing strength and if it I break down it will be a mess here. I have constant support of Cali, the girl I am dating for 2 months and my friends, I try to keep in touch the most time possible as loneliness will just make me overthink and this could only lead to bad things.
One month is gone now, I continue to do the things I usually do, like dating, hanging out with friends and creating artworks. Everything seems normal outside but deep inside I know that something is not. Having to always act strong is morally draining for me, It breaks me every night but I have to put up a smile in front of everyone else. Mum thinks I’m insensitive about the whole situation and out of the blue, starts aggressing me with the questions. This will be the first time I break down in front of the family.
Days are becoming darker, I have not yet found a job to be able to help the family and soon my sister will have to go to uni. I feel terrible for leaving mum alone on this. I have stopped living , all my thoughts are negative ones and I have started to cut off from everyone and everything. I no longer feel happiness and all this is taking over me. Maybe I am useless and will not be able to live up to the expectations they have for me.
Hello, hello is anybody out there? Or am i losing all i have? I am losing the passion I have for everything, my light has burnt out for a while and I see negativity everywhere. Life is so stressing that I believe it is not worth living... Things that make me who I am have faded rapidly, just like the warmth of my falling tears.
Every night i make the same dream, I see him dying, he is next to me but I can’t do a thing. I start getting sick from all this anxiety, like wanting to throwing up after each meals and even starting to get some white hair. Maybe it’s my fault , I was never prepared and having high hopes that things would get better made me delusional.
Several months are passing…
Today I take anti depressants, like a lot… With time they are less and less effective.
One day I made a very big mistake, I took a lot of pills, to kill the pain I was feeling inside but eventually it backfired. Till this date I can’t exactly remember how it happened but I lashed out at everyone I met this day, , by saying things which I don’t mean or think,everyone including Cali, whom I had not spoken with for more than one week. Later on I tried to explain her what happened but I fail, she says that with time I have become a different person and I know it is true. All this is taking over me and this would be the last time Cali would speak to me. Would I regret losing her? Yes, Cali was one of the things which I held on to during my dark days and one of the only good things I had left. I guess she’ll never know how things were in my mind at the moment things messed up.
One more month has passed,I try to get on with my life, doing internships everywhere,trying to find something which will make life better. You know those moments where we have a lot of people in the room but you still feel alone and all you want to is to go back home and be with your family because you need their support. But sometimes they can’t do anything because they are in the same situation as you.
People say that time heals, but for me it worked out the opposite way. The more I tried to keep things to myself because I wanted to be strong , the more it broke me inside.
Have I lost myself in all this? I don’t know
But I pray that better days will come